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06 Jan 2013 21 Comments
How do you go about gaining confidence? I’ve never been a very self-confident person. As a kid, I was horribly shy and embarrassed about my body and about the fact that I wore glasses and was clumsy. I got teased a lot, so I spent a lot of time with my head in a book, avoiding other kids.
Fast forward to now (because who wants to re-hash high school? Not this lady, that’s for sure) and I think my confidence is even lower than it was when I was a clumsy, chubby, bookish kid. To recap:
- My husband cheated on me, emotionally and physically, for the last 5 years of our marriage.
- He consistently told me that the depression I had wasn’t real.
- He left me for another woman almost 3 years ago.
- I got a horrible job at an eBay listing company where the people treated me like I was an idiot.
- I got what I thought would be a better job but the owner turned out to be a bit crazy and laid off a bunch of people, me included, so she could bring in unpaid interns.
- I got a job at this news service, doing something I really enjoyed and felt like I was really good at and worked there for 18 months with very few problems. The Friday before New Year’s Eve, I was called into the owner’s office for a review and they laid me off. Well, reduced my hours to a whopping 8 per week. I found out, after packing up my desk and driving home, that my hours were given to someone that had been fired a year ago.
So you tell me. How do I remain confident in my ability to do anything? To have a relationship (which I haven’t even attempted since Mark and I split up)? To be confident that I know what I’m doing in a job, that I can handle responsibility and that yes, even though I have kids, I can still be a reliable, intelligent, responsible employee? How do I get those feelings back? Because right now, I feel like I’m maybe capable enough to ring a register at the grocery store.
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Jan 06, 2013 @ 16:49:56
Believe in yourself. Do what it takes to cancel out all the negative programming in your brain and believe you are the best possible you that you are! It is easier said than done. Just keep believing that you are awesome and amazing and all the other good stuff in between. Because I know you are!
Jan 06, 2013 @ 16:58:53
I saw this post linked to on twitter just after I finished my yoga practice, where I stumbled and bumbled through but ended feeling like “yes, I tried. I wobbled, but I tried and stretched to something beyond where it was safe. And I feel good.”
So, I’m going to toss yoga out there as a way to gain confidence. You can do it in the privacy of your home, for 10 minutes a day or in a studio for an hour and a half. You can get free, really good, podcasts on yogajournal.com. And you can gain the confidence that comes from trying something new, tumbling over and getting back up again with a laugh, and next time getting a little further and a little steadier. Yesterday I was trying to remember what the point of anything was. Today I thought “ok, maybe getting on my mat this morning was the point.”
And keeping a list of anything that you accomplish, even if some days that list is just “stayed alive.”
Jan 06, 2013 @ 17:12:43
Hmm, that’s not a bad idea at all. I will search out some yoga stuff on Netflix and give it a try. I certainly could use the stretching and exercise!
Jan 06, 2013 @ 17:03:25
The major thing I’ve found is I need to find just one thing that I think is good about me. I need to find the positive, instead of focusing on the negative. It’s hard to do. I have decided to work on this too this year. Maybe going for the grocery job and excelling there would help. All of those lay-offs aren’t because of ability, they’re because of greed or favoritism, honestly. But I think trying to find the positive (not always easy) each day is a good start. Pick one thing each night before bed that you were proud of yourself for?? Do you like to read self-help books? Not everyone does. I’ve used a work-book style one before, and liked it. Others, not so much. I think the work situation improving, and you being happier with you, would help in other parts of life. Relationships are hard to start when you don’t feel good about you.
I wish I knew more answers, though.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 17:16:49
I can’t afford to go for the grocery job and I’m wildly overqualified for it.
I’ve been reading This Is How by Augusten Burroughs. It’s sort of a self-help book but a little more snarky than the usual, which is perfect for me. When I’ve read other books, I find myself giggling and picturing Stuart Smalley from SNL, which doesn’t do much to help, although the giggling is fun.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 17:05:12
Good questions. I understand – it’s 3 years since I got laid off, and I still have total PTSD about it – I’m convinced it will happen again any minute and I’ll never get another job, etc.
You’ve been through a lot. I don’t want to give you a whole bunch of cliches, but I would sit down and make a list of what you are good at, and focus on that. Keep adding. Thank yourself for the things you do. Be realistic about the things you need to do better without beating yourself up about it.
As far as your ex, can you try saying, instead of “He did this to me” — “I don’t know why he did the things he did”? It’s a small change, but it made a huge difference for me in how I saw a past relationship.
Good luck. Keep writing. It helps.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 17:14:56
Everyone is suggesting the list thing, so I’m definitely going to add that to my little pile of things to do. As for the ex, I usually do say that it wasn’t me, it was him. I know it’s never 100% the other person’s fault, but in his case, it mostly was. It’s harder to hold on to that some days, though.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 17:49:06
J, you are not the problem here. I have struggled with similar problems and one thing I have learned is that when you are smarter than a majority of the people in the world (which you are) its difficult to deal with stupid people. And sometimes those stupid people are our bosses, coworkers, or significant others. YOU know what your talents are (or if you don’t, do some self searching and figure it out). You can go into an interview or relationship knowing exactly what you have to offer and be confident in that. Seriously though, I know I am young but if you need to vent, let me know. I can relate wholeheartedly and I don’t mind listening.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 18:15:32
Thanks, Sarah. It’s internalizing those things that I have a problem with right now.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 18:09:01
thanks for sharing and reaching out! My self confidence isnt the greatest either, and i’m a very shy person too, though i’m not as shy as i once was, but still pretty quiet. i can relate to your breakup with your ex, my ex fiance’ walked out on me with out a word 6 years ago, i won’t go into all the details, but in short, the relationship should have been over when she walked out on me, but it was 3 years after that that it was finally over with. i was cheated on, and there was a baby involved that she didn’t know who the father was. a few of the things i learned, you can beat your self up pretty bad wondering and asking your self all kinds of questions about why he did that to you, what did you do wrong etc. and unless you confront him and ask him these questions, he’s the only one that has the answers, but deep down you already know the answers, just believe in your self, and know it wasn’t your fault! if you confronted him, he wouldn’t give you the truth anyway.
another thing that i did was forgave her, i forgave her in person face to face, i got my good-bye from her, and that gave me permission to let go and move on with my life. you don’t have to forgive him in person, or forgive him for what he did to you, just forgive him for your self, and don’t look back. as far as jobs, with the bad economy most all employers are cutting back and laying off and not giving raises. you’ll have to really look inside your self, but what job would really make you the happiest, when you figure that out, go for that job with everything you have and don’t give up, hold your head up, and be happy with your self, learn to look in the mirror and love your self, every part of your mind and body, self love. look at all the beauty about and with in your self! i like most of the post’s/replys above, make the list about your self and your goals, i keep a daily journal, before bed i write about my day and anything that is bothering me, and things i’m happy or sad about.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 18:15:24
i just wanted to add, that as far as a new relationship, my relationship is over, i’m still learning how to love my self every day, and until i can totally love my self i won’t even consider a new relationship, and after being cheated on my self , not looking for another and just being happy with what life is bringing me now.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 18:31:32
Dear Julia,
Im just now reading your blog for the first time. What I see in your list is someone that has repeatedly been served a crap sundae but still moves forward. I wasn’t liked much in school either. I didn’t have the right clothes, wasn’t athletic, ran a little funny (I kick my heels out when run – thus I was constantly called a duck), I had absent parents who never made me do homework, brush my teeth, or brush my hair so I was never prepared for anything. That was elementary and middle school. In High School I took responsibility for myself and pulled my shit together but still wasn’t liked a whole lot. All those years of being passed over, picked on, and ignored takes a toll on ones self-esteem. I don’t think I started liking myself until my early 30s and I still struggle often. Depression is real. You are not alone. Im not very original, being original means taking a risk that someone will like what you have to say – Im not a risk taker. But I do want to share Christopher Robin’s thoughts with you because they help me when I am second/third/fourth guessing myself – “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin to Pooh” The very fact that your post was shared on FB by a person that is highly respected and loved by countless people in the community speaks volumes of how you are loved and respected. IMHO
Jan 06, 2013 @ 18:33:48
I once was where you are at now. My circumstances were different, but the impact on me was the same. A kind soul came along and told me if I took the Landmark Forum with her that she would pay half my tuition and attend with me. She told me at she was once where I was at now. She said the Landmark Forum helped her to take control of her life.
I am not the sort of person that normally goes for this new age mumbo jumbo. But I am glad that I let my guard down and took the course. Not to put too fine a point on it, that 3 day course did more for me than any of the counselors/therapists/etc that I had ever seen in my life.
The difference is that the Forum teaches you to be empowered and get on with your life. Counseling just lingered on and on and supported my feelings of being a victim… This is the exact opposite of empowerment.
I have a really good life now. And I have since found out that many of my professional colleagues also have attended the Forum.
I hear the victim in your words. Please do not be offended by that. I hear my former self in your words and I want you to know that if you open yourself up to the teachings in the Landmark Forum that you can change your outlook and your life.
If you are ready to put your past in the past and begin creating the life that you want, you really do have within you what it takes to triumph.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 19:06:36
Honestly, the Schmutzie Grace in Small Things project has helped me tremendously. Five good things that happened each week, even the smallest things that brought a smile to my face. It doesn’t have to be what I’m good at, necessarily, just what makes me less anxious and depressed.
I also keep uplifting notes from people around my apartment and cubicle to remind me there are people who give a shit about me. Weird when other people notice them, but whatever.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 19:30:32
I don’t have any answers for you, but I do think you’re pretty freaking awesome. You may not believe that, but it’s true.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 19:58:25
I’ve always been painfully shy, although as an adult most people that I meet wouldn’t believe that. For work, I can fake it pretty well. And I do have that “Southern People say hi to everyone” gene thing going. I wasn’t especially popular in high school, but I had lots of friends mostly due to being in band. I’ve had the same great job at a non-profit for 10 years (on the 21st of this month). Yet here I am at 44 with little to no self-esteem. Those that know me well will tell you that I don’t have low self-esteem, I have NO self-esteem. I don’t have any advice for fixing either of us. I know thanks to lots of loving people in my life, my self-esteem issues are slowly dwindling finally. And I think you have more of those people around you than you know.
Here’s what I see when I “look” at Julia……
You are a talented writer. You can describe things in a unique & vivid way that not only shows your reader what is happening, but makes them feel a part of it.
You are just damn funny. Even in the midst of a crisis, you can make us all laugh. Whether we want to or not.
You are honest. With the world. With your kids. With your friends. And without fear. The only person you aren’t honest with is yourself. You keep feeding yourself these lies that people like your worthless ex-husband have told you.
You are a good mother. Despite having an emotionally crippled ex-husband & a run of bad luck with jobs, your kids are clothed & fed. They are happy & functioning. They are getting an education (school), but are also learning what it means to be a strong & independent woman in a world that sometimes still doesn’t accept us.
The most important thing I see is that you are a loving, compassionate, & kind person. You encourage others, even when you’re the one in need of encouragement.
Those are the reasons why I read your blog & follow you on Twitter. I have no idea if any of this helps, but I felt like it needed to be said.
Hang in there, honey. You aren’t alone. And you are NOT broken. You just need to see what we see.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Jan 06, 2013 @ 20:04:16
J –
I can relate to everything you’ve written and thank you so much for writing it!
J, NEVER forget that you are an amazing woman/mother/writer with a tremendous spirit and will & no asshole (s) can take those things away from you! And the fact that you are writing about this subject is not only going to help you, it’s helping so many others!
I had a bad breakup 6 yrs ago (long story, but we lived together for five years,) and I was heart broken. To help me through I used to find 5 good things that happened every day and write them down that night.
Sometimes I really had to stretch – Having enough 1/2 and 1/2 in a near empty container for my morning coffee made the list many a time.
Those daily 5 things were a lifesaver and the more I focused on the good things, the more I focused on the good things about me.
We all fall down, and that’s OK. But we have to pick ourselves up.
I’m picking myself up again after losing my mom and going through a ridiculous amount of change in a very short time. For a long time I stayed down – And now I’m slowing getting my footing again.
I’ve started writing “the 5 good things a day” list again and it’s helping.
I’ve also made an appointment to talk with some one.
Have you considered talking to anyone? I know it’s can be expensive but I also know that some community centers and hospitals offer group meetings on depression and or low self esteem.
Do you live near a Trader Joe’s?? I know that you said you can’t afford to work at a grocery store, but at TJ’s treats their full and part time employees like gold and offers a really competitive pay rate – And part time employees are offered bennies! Plus they have fun – which always helps!! http://www.workforce.com/article/20050602/NEWS02/306029978/fostering-a-loyal-workforce-at-trader-joes#
Xoxo!!
Kelly K
Jan 06, 2013 @ 20:32:40
Thanks, Kelly. I do have a therapist but I haven’t been in a while because of some insurance bullshit. I’m hoping I can go back this week.
And I really don’t want to work at a grocery store – I’m just feeling lately like that’s all I’m capable of doing. Although working at TJs does sound fun. Probably about as good for me as working in a book shop would be, though! I’d spend all my paycheck there.
I really do appreciate all the kind comments everyone has left. It’s really helped.
Jan 06, 2013 @ 22:17:30
What helped for me was to realize that no matter what happened to me, I got through it. Sometimes feeling like I had been hit by a truck and wondering how I was going to go on, but I still made it. I was also really really really shy for many years, and whooboy did I have issues. I was laid off, in a bad marriage, divorced, in an abusive relationship, lost my family as a result of said bad relationship, and had to file for bankruptcy. Coming out the other side of all of that made me realize that if I could do that, I could do anything. It didn’t break my desire to make things better, so I realized I had the inner strength to fix things. You do, too. Reading through older entries of your blog, it is evident that you love deeply, are a great Mom, and a smart person. It will work out for you, for you are woman hear you roar
Jan 06, 2013 @ 22:38:56
Julia,
Check this out http://www.onegoodthingbyjillee.com/2013/01/16-simple-ways-to-be-happier.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+onegoodthingbyjillee%2FzBBd+%28%22One+Good+Thing%22+by+Jillee%29&utm_content=Yahoo%21+Mail
little things that can be done just to be happy.
landileigh
Jan 10, 2013 @ 22:29:47
J, I can’t say it any better than some of those who already commented have. Sarah Jane and PrincessLadyBg said it so perfectly! You have so much to offer, all you need to do is make yourself see it. You are so smart, a great writer, and a really good mom, and you’ve been dealt crap hand after crap hand. I hope you can begin to see in yourself all the positive things that others see in you. Depression is real, and you are doing a fantastic job of keepin’ on. Hang in–it will get better!