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TwitterThe Other Ex.
03 Sep 2012 8 Comments
in Family
Olivia’s dad hasn’t seen her since before Charlotte was born; Charlotte turned 6 in August. He hadn’t spoken to her in all that time, either, until about 6 months ago, when we had to get a restraining order against Olivia’s ex-boyfriend. Olivia told her uncle and that’s when her dad called. He’s been calling and texting her almost every single day since then. When he initially got in touch, I told her to be careful, to not let him back in too quickly and she agreed. But she’s 17 and she misses her father, so it was a headlong rush into talking to him and texting with him and him promising things that never came to fruition.
Mind you, he lives an hour away. One hour. Do you know how many times in the last six months I’ve driven one hour to do something? Hell, I’ll drive three hours to go to IKEA.
Today was the last straw, though, I think. Olivia is supposed to have another court date tomorrow for this case with her ex. It’s also the first day of school for all of them. I told Olivia that we would have to miss the court date – we don’t have to be there – and she said she would ask her dad to go with her. She asked him two weeks ago and he waited until today to tell her that he couldn’t go. Today. The court date is tomorrow. He has also been promising all summer that he’d come out and see her and take her to the beach, but there’s been one excuse after another. His car was in the shop. For six weeks. He had to work every weekend, all summer long. It was always something. Last weekend, he said he’d come out here and take her out for lunch but he decided to go stay at his girlfriend’s place instead. This weekend was the same thing.
Olivia’s devastated all over again. I told her she was going to have to tell him to either shit or get off the pot, that his playing around with her like this was wrong and mean and unfair to her. I don’t know if she’ll do it, though. I honestly wish she’d cut his entire family out of her life, but I don’t know if she’s capable of doing that. She wants them to like her so badly and they all treat her like shit. The entire family lives an hour away. None of them have driven out here to see her, none of them call her or send her a birthday card or anything. It’s like she doesn’t exist. It’s unfathomable to me how they can be like this.
I’m so angry. SO angry. I knew this was going to happen. I don’t know why he’s like this, but he is and she’d be better off without him in her life at all than to have him yanking her around like that. I hope to god he never does show up out here because I’m not sure I’d be able to keep from screaming my head off at him.
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Sep 03, 2012 @ 16:44:01
I feel for her. Poor kid.
Sep 03, 2012 @ 16:54:27
Sigh. Why are some parents such asshats? I hope that when (if) he decides that he’s missing out and tries to become part of her life again, she tells him to go piss up a rope. What a hard thing for her to deal with, and for you to watch. Picking up the pieces every time he disappoints her must be so hard for you, too. {{hugs}} to both of you.
Sep 03, 2012 @ 16:59:31
I’m so sad for her, Julia. Those assholes break our hearts long after we stop caring about them at all.
Sep 04, 2012 @ 05:08:04
Poor Olivia. Unfortunately, I know that feeling all too well – the feeling of desperately wanting your father to be a part of your life, yet he does everything in his power to stay out of it, while pretending that he is not doing it on purpose.
My father is also this way, and finds ways to imply that it is my fault we don’t communicate. He’s very demonstrative when others are around, but I can easily go months without hearing anything from him (in 2011, I saw him twice all year – in January when we celebrated Christmas late, and in December when we celebrated Christmas on time). I did not receive a birthday or anniversary card from him this year, because I’m not in my email every day and by the time I found the e-cards, they had expired and were no longer available. He lives 30 minutes from me, works in the same town where I live and work, and is here frequently. I have repeatedly asked him to let me know when he is in town for an event so I can meet him there and we can spend time together, then I find out after the fact via pictures on Facebook that he has been to something here (a parade and several softball games this summer alone). The closest he will come to contacting me on purpose is to stop in where I work – the last time he did that was at the beginning of May – but he’s always on his way somewhere and in a hurry. I am constantly seeing photos on FB of things he has done that are “family” events, yet I am never included in these events.
The only reason I have not yet told him where he can stick his attitude is the fact that his side of the family still considers me worth knowing and acknowledging. I want the children I will have to know that their grandfather is not a good representation of that part of the family, and that most of them are good people who will love them unconditionally – even if they are my kids.
Sep 06, 2012 @ 21:36:20
My mother was EXACTLY like that. I spent my whole childhood fully expecting her to come get me for the weekend, only hearing on SUNDAY that her car was in the shop/purse got stolen/flu set in/etc., etc., etc., ad infinitum. I’m so sorry she’s going through that, and you, as well. I never understood how hard that must have been on my dad, watching, but helpless. Now as a mother … I think it would be harder now than the child going through it. Not that either is easy or fair. I’m so sorry for both of you, and for the dipshit, too, honestly.
Sep 06, 2012 @ 22:02:30
My parents ‘divorced’ when I was 16. I met my father’s girlfriend not even two weeks later. And I didn’t have a choice about it. She was in the car when he came to take us to school. I spent the entire day at school completely upset. Not because I didn’t like the woman. But because he’d never even asked if we’d wanted to meet her. He took the choice away from us.
He could have handled that better.
I’m not saying he’s completely at fault for me and him being estranged. (I’m at fault too) But he made it very clear that if I wanted to spend any time with him, at all- go anywhere, do anything, whatever- she would come too. And he promised lots of things growing up. We’d go fishing, we’d go swimming, we’d go to dinner. But I’ve never forgotten that she would be there too.
It’s not that she’s a bad person. Under different circumstances, I’m sure I’d really like her. We have a bunch of common interests. But he is my dad, and I’d like to talk to him. To spend time with him, and my brother, with out her watching from the car. (Occassionally, he’ll come over, and we’ll stand in the driveway and talk, because he’s not allowed in my mother’s house.)
He called a couple of months ago, because he’d been told by the theater that I used to work at, that I didn’t work there any more. And he’d called to talk about that, and find out what else he’d missed. And it kinda shocked me. It’d been almost a year since I’d talked to him. At all apparently.
It’s a difficult relationship, sure. And it’s one I don’t recommend to any child. But I’m almost 24 years old now. He’s taught me some things, things that I remember, that I pass on to others occasionally. And I think about him every now and then. But I don’t ever expect anything from him. He’s not really a part of my life- and I’m not a part of his.
Olivia will find her own way of dealing with this. And if you’re anything like my mother- she won’t turn to drugs, alcohol or prostitution to do it. It’s a difficult lesson to learn in life, but sometimes- you have to. You don’t need people in your life that don’t want you.
It won’t mean much now, it really won’t. She’ll cry at night, she’ll wonder what she did wrong, and it’ll be hard. But it’s not her… some people are not meant to be parents. Some people don’t know how to be parents. But above all, she will be okay even if he sucks. Just so long as she remembers not to make the same mistakes that he’s making.
In the end, he will get what he deserves- and it will make her a better person for it.
Sep 06, 2012 @ 22:13:55
Thank you. I went thru a similar thing with my own dad, which sounds an awful lot like what you went thru (except I caught the woman leaving our house after a nooner when I was 14 or so). I think that’s why this is making me so angry. I know how bad it made me feel, so I can empathize with Olivia.
Sep 07, 2012 @ 07:50:52
Your daughter is so lucky to have you! I could write so much more but it’s late and I have to go to bed. Suffice it to say that my biological did similar things after my parents divorced. Maybe will talk to you about it more another day if you are interested. My mom felt the same.