RSS
TwitterWhy?
30 Jul 2012 13 Comments
I co-hosted Charlotte’s birthday party with Mark, my ex, this weekend. I thought it would be fine, that there would be enough people there that I wouldn’t really have to interact with him and the woman he cheated on me with, but no, there was a lot of interaction. Mark kept bringing up things from our past, things we did, stuff that happened, and it became increasingly more uncomfortable. I think his girlfriend was getting annoyed, but I really didn’t care. You reap what you sow and all that.
But it did a number on my head. We’ve been split up for over two years. I thought I was fine. I have been moving on, trying to date, trying to move on. But yesterday just about killed me.
I don’t miss him – he was a horrible husband. He lied, he cheated, he didn’t have any respect for me as a wife or a mother, but him bringing up all those things just made me cry for what could have been. We have to gorgeous girls together and things could have been so different if he wasn’t such a sociopath.
I think the worst part of it was that I didn’t expect it to happen. I was completely taken off guard. I was fine, until all of a sudden, I wasn’t. I couldn’t get people out of there fast enough. I think I sobbed for an hour after everyone went home.
Why? Why does this keep happening? Why do I have dreams about him? Why have I not been able to move on? It’s really fucking irritating. I really need to figure out how to get over this because I’m not sure I can take any more. It’s too emotionally draining. And, frankly, it pisses me right the fuck off that he’s just moved on without any kind of introspection or emotions or anything. He’s just fine. Why can’t I be just fine? Why do I find myself poring over my flaws and faults, trying to figure out what the hell happened? Why can’t I just STOP this.
13 Comments (+add yours?)
Leave a Reply
Jul 30, 2012 @ 03:13:10
You say he’s moved on but I don’t think he has if he is bringing up what happened. I’m sorry it stressed you out. It sounds like you didn’t have anyone to support you and that is too bad. Do you have anyone to talk to?
Jul 30, 2012 @ 03:16:54
I talked to a few friends about it. It just really made me sad and I thought I was over being sad.
Jul 30, 2012 @ 03:23:29
I think if you could answer the questions you’re asking, you could make a million writing an advice book. How many women have wasted how many tears over men who don’t deserve them?
Jul 30, 2012 @ 03:26:19
Urgh. My therapist is going to have her hands full on Tuesday.
Jul 30, 2012 @ 03:39:33
Because you are a kind and thoughtful person and he is not.
That’s why it gets to you and it leaves him unscathed.
And it sucks.
xoxo M.
Jul 30, 2012 @ 04:14:10
Aw – I don’t think you should be harsh on yourself for being affected. I think things like this require a lot of grieving, and I think it is VERY hard to grieve when you have to be “on” and caring for kids. I think it’s only natural that there is still pain and there are still sore spots.
When we lost the baby a few years ago, my counselor (and some of the things I read) said the average intense grief period for miscarriage is two years. This shocked me – it is so long for something you really didn’t “have” at all. You are grieving a marriage and a life you were building together. You have the daily reminder of that with the girls you’re raising. That you are still affected is totally reasonable in my opinion.
Hang in there!
Jul 30, 2012 @ 10:55:19
It seems to me, that as such a horrible husband, with the lying and the cheating and such that he might not have been as invested in the relationship as you were and that’s why he’s “Fine” and you’re not. He’s not, as Heidi said above, mourning the “could have been”. It completely and totally sucks.
Jul 30, 2012 @ 12:19:16
I think that a lot of your not being able to move on feelings come from not having answers. It took me 5 years to be able to date when Eric left. I was angry and depressed constantly because I, too, was blindsided. I still, to this day, am confused as to why he actually left me…why he didn’t want me anymore, what I did wrong. But I have some very good friends (you incuded, hon), that finally convinced me that it wasn’t me, or what I did wrong -with it was him. I’m sure I made mistakes in our relationship, just as you may have, but it comes down to HIM, what HE can and cannot accept, and HIS inability to accept imperfections and try to work out the things together thwt he can’t accept. Stop beating yourself up. You are you – and your friends (especially those who have known you 45done years!), love you for who you are, imperfections and all! Be proud of who you are, be strong and show your girls you are a survivor. They need that to become strong themselves. And the right man will come along, see that strength, and love you all the more for it!
Jul 30, 2012 @ 12:20:51
Please pardon the weird words stuck in periodically on my post…using my phone, and auto correct stinks!
Jul 30, 2012 @ 13:57:20
Kim is very very smart. I think she makes wonderful points. I am so sorry it hit you like that. I wish it were easier to move through these things. I think, though, that you can be partially over things……mostly, even. Meaning, your everyday life is ok, you aren’t sad or missing him, etc. But when presented with him, and a seemingly callous attitude, and also with the woman who was the other woman, it can still hit you in the gut. And I hate that it does that. I wish I knew how to make this type of thing better, because we all deserve to not be caught unaware like that.
Jul 30, 2012 @ 14:37:51
It’s easy for me to counsel you to not let him get in your head, but I think Mel was right. If he moved on, he wouldn’t have brought up your past. I would bet he’s not fine.
I’m sorry you are in pain. It’s normal to have bout of sadness, just try to not let it take over completely.
Jul 30, 2012 @ 21:11:48
Well, sociopaths only function when they’re messing with your head. He probably has a compulsion to reach out and mess with you whenever he senses you are moving on. He may not even know he’s doing it consciously. Remember, he is way out of touch with reasonable-people emotions and probably just goes by instinct. (He’ll treat the new g/f the same way down the road.) Sadly, this can go on for years when you have children together. The good news is, one day you will be Teflon that he cannot get a grip on, and he’ll just slide the f* off of you. That day, you will truly be well and done with him, and he’ll skulk off and victimize someone else. Work towards that day. It’s coming for you, and he knows it on some level. You keep on with the therapy and the moving on and work through it. The future is bright for you once you get past him, just don’t be afraid of the work that needs to be done. It’s necessary to feel and process all of this, so that the NEXT man is the RIGHT man and not a rehash of this loser, again. He’s out there and you’re getting there. Vale Jules, vale.
Aug 07, 2012 @ 13:47:55
I have been divorced from my first husband for ten years. He cheated on me a few times, marrying the stripper he got pregnant when we were still married. They are getting divorced now and I’m really mad at him for that.
Sometimes logic doesn’t figure into the equation.