30 Jul 2012 13 Comments
I co-hosted Charlotte’s birthday party with Mark, my ex, this weekend. I thought it would be fine, that there would be enough people there that I wouldn’t really have to interact with him and the woman he cheated on me with, but no, there was a lot of interaction. Mark kept bringing up things from our past, things we did, stuff that happened, and it became increasingly more uncomfortable. I think his girlfriend was getting annoyed, but I really didn’t care. You reap what you sow and all that.
But it did a number on my head. We’ve been split up for over two years. I thought I was fine. I have been moving on, trying to date, trying to move on. But yesterday just about killed me.
I don’t miss him – he was a horrible husband. He lied, he cheated, he didn’t have any respect for me as a wife or a mother, but him bringing up all those things just made me cry for what could have been. We have to gorgeous girls together and things could have been so different if he wasn’t such a sociopath.
I think the worst part of it was that I didn’t expect it to happen. I was completely taken off guard. I was fine, until all of a sudden, I wasn’t. I couldn’t get people out of there fast enough. I think I sobbed for an hour after everyone went home.
Why? Why does this keep happening? Why do I have dreams about him? Why have I not been able to move on? It’s really fucking irritating. I really need to figure out how to get over this because I’m not sure I can take any more. It’s too emotionally draining. And, frankly, it pisses me right the fuck off that he’s just moved on without any kind of introspection or emotions or anything. He’s just fine. Why can’t I be just fine? Why do I find myself poring over my flaws and faults, trying to figure out what the hell happened? Why can’t I just STOP this.
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